FACTS AND FICTION WITH MOLLY AUSTIN
OUR IN-HOUSE FUNNY LADY EXTRAORDINAIRE
FACTS AND FICTION WITH MOLLY AUSTIN
OUR IN-HOUSE FUNNY LADY EXTRAORDINAIRE
The Oscars went down last Sunday, but I skipped them. I chose instead to watch The Bodyguard because I knew Rachel Marron would win and Kevin Costner’s super sweet. tight body are all that matters. I did however catch Sacha Baron Cohen’s “Dictator” character dump ashes all over Ryan Seacrest. Which was exciting because it’s something you didn’t even know you wanted to have happen, and when it did we all learned something about ourselves as humans.
Chicago honored the late Kings of Comedy legend Tuesday by naming a one-block section of West 69thStreet in Englewood “Bernie Mac Street”. The area is near where Bernie grew up and attended school. There can’t be enough things named after that man. Imagine what a Bernie Mac theme park would be like?! That should be next.
NEWSIES is opening on Broadway on March 15th. I AM FREAKING OUT! If there is a man who wants to take me as his date, I will be his date as well as his long term girlfriend. I’m talking serious relationship! Stace said that is NOT how you get a boyfriend. #FACT!
FACTS AND FICTION WITH MOLLY AUSTIN
OUR IN-HOUSE FUNNY LADY EXTRAORDINAIRE
Happy Mardi Gras Mother F*****S! Welcome to the best city/time of your life! Don’t belive me?! Ask Will Ferrel who was on hand to kick off the parade by being this years Grand Marshall, the king of Baccus parade. Willie child(new nickname), declared the city, “arguably the best city in the world”. You know what? We aren’t going to argue with a man who just spits out facts. I love you New Orleans. Fiona Apple announced that her spring tour of which SXSW has been added on. Um… post script; I have based my my hair color and entire moral code off that criminal song/music video so I’m ready. Kate Middleton and Prince William adopted a puppy and named it Lupo, Italilan for wolf. Most people want to know why they chose that name. I want to know if A+O can get a puppy. Stace said if I wanna walk and feed it we can get one. #imnotthatresponsible. #FACT!
FACTS AND FICTION WITH MOLLY AUSTIN OUR IN-HOUSE FUNNY LADY EXTRAORDINAIRE
Warner Bros. has slapped Charlie Sheen with a cease and desist letter asking Mr. Sheen to stop using Two and a Half Men photos to promote his new FX show, Anger Management. I would never ask Charlie Sheen to do anything he didn’t want to do. I would also never try and stop someone who wanted to steal my purse. Safety first, danger last, Warner Brothers! Best news all week! Jenny McCarthy has been given her own show, cleverly titled, The Jenny McCarthy Show, that will premiere on VH1 late summer or fall of this year. Her old sketch show was THE BOMB! I hope it takes off so I can wear a blond wig and be her for Halloween! Bad news for lady lips! A recent study has shown that lead can be found in many lipstick brands, L’Oreal being one of the main offenders. I thought we learned this was no good in, like, the 1600’s (Queen Elizabeth I). Stace is gonna double check her sticks, as she doesn’t eat meat, lead is for sure not in her diet. FACT.
FACTS AND FICTION WITH MOLLY AUSTIN OUR IN-HOUSE FUNNY LADY EXTRAORDINAIRE
Her Royal Highness, Ms. Elizabeth Taylor’s Vincent Van Gogh’s piece, “Vue de l’Asile et de la Chapelle de Saint-Rémy” has sold for 16 million hot ones to a mysterious buyer at Christies! As much as I love Van Gogh, I have to admit that if I had $16M I would spend it on anything that earth angel owned. #obsessed
M.I.A just put out her new music video, “Bad Girls” , which at first just looks like super cool drag race through the desert, but in truth is a stance against oppression against women. It focuses on the fact that it is still illegal for women to drive in Saudi Arabia. Just when she thought she was a bad girl, she ended up being a good girl for girls everywhere. Hey gurl!
“Bridesmaids” has become the #1 most ordered On Demand title of all time with over 4.8 million rentals in just four months. Remember when people thought a female comedy couldn’t pull major dolla dolla bills y’all?! Well look who is makin’ it rain now. Ttyl haters!
Beepbadabeepbadabeepbeepbeep! This just in!!! Jessica Lange will be returning to Season Two of American Horror Story! Dreams are coming true and angels are singing from heaven…a scary heaven. Wherever she goes, we will follow. Little Peggy March style. Stace is real busy with the show coming up but she loves a little Peggy March and always has time for a mini twist party. FACT!
FACTS AND FICTION WITH MOLLY AUSTIN
OUR IN-HOUSE FUNNY LADY EXTRAORDINAIRE
Katy Perry is going to be performing at this years Grammy’s and if she makes real fireworks come out of her boobs on that stage I am going to lose my mind. It would be too exciting. I would for sure just weep like a Beiber fan.
An elephant in an Amsterdam zoo is the first elephant in Europe to wear contact lenses. Everything cool happens in Amsterdam.
Who is having a better couple of months than Chris Mara?! He’s a VP of the Giants who are hitting up the Super Bowl this weekend (and gonna win) and his daughter, Rooney Mara is nominated for an Oscar! Stace is having us over for the Super Bowl, so depending on how high we go on the fun-meter, we may top him. We’re going to try. FACT!
FACTS AND FICTION WITH MOLLY AUSTIN
OUR IN-HOUSE FUNNY LADY EXTRAORDINAIRE
Toot toot, beep beep! Next stop Awesome-town! That is if Chris Rock and Dave Chappelle go on the road together. I don’t even know how to handle that much funny in one show. Probably with a sports bra. I handle all things that make me feel like I’m going to lose control by putting on a sports bra. Feels like a hug under my shirt. #secrethug
Crazytown, USA. Chelsea Handler continues to fuel her feud with Nick Cannon by insulting his wife’s body. Then Ms. Handler went on Howard Stern and threw around some insults about her royal highness Joan Rivers to which her majesty replied with vinegar and fire. Once I witnessed a real fight on the mean streets. It made me close my eyes and cry a little. That’s how I feel when Joan Rivers gets upset as well.
The Giants made it into the Super Bowl! I am preparing by seeking out an outfit with blue sequins. 50 Cent is preparing by betting $500,000 on the game and if they win he has promised via Twitter that he will show the twitterverse his peen peen (penis). Just another way 50 Cent and I are different.
SWV is back together! They just released their first single in almost two decades, “Co-Sign”. Stace and I have been busting out our smooth R&B moves to rejoice! She would totally school me if we were on “Dancing with the Stars”.
FACTS AND FICTION
OUR IN-HOUSE FUNNY LADY EXTRAORDINAIRE
Wikipedia went dark the other night in protest of SOPA and PIPA, a pair of anti-piracy acts. Even Google made a statement on their home page. The bills would also restrict what we as Americans would be able to see on overseas sites. As they say in Mexico, “no bueno”. There is more to it but we would be here all day.
Betty White turned 90 this week! And to celebrate, she threw a star studded birthday bash! She really is a Golden Girl. Funny ladies like Mary Tyler Moore and Tina Fey came out to celebrate but let’s not forget the funny guys as well. And for the kicker, President Barack Obama sent Miss Betty a very special message! Who doesn’t love that lovely lady?!
Golden Globes went down this past weekend! Angelina and Brad made us go blind with their beauty. Then there was Sofia Vergara who got all beautiful and hilarious - practically stealing the show. Practically is the key word because when Octavia Spencer won the Golden Globe for Best Supporting Actress for her role as Minni, time stopped and the world was perfect for a few sweet moments. Dramatic? Maybe…but just maybe.
There is a rumor of a Spice Girls reunion!!! What?! Which Spice Girl would you be? Stace would obv be Posh and if I don’t get my hair to be red like Ginger then I’m gonna have to be Sporty which is essentially like being the Jessie Spano of the Saved by the Bell of life. FACT.
Go here to learn more about it.
Then you can go here and say, be cool Congress, take it easy. 
FACTS AND FICTION WITH MOLLY AUSTIN
OUR IN-HOUSE FUNNY LADY EXTRAORDINAIRE
Results for New Hampshire Republican Primary are in and Mitt Romney has come out as the victorious candidate. One, the man does have nice hair. Two, when I hear his name I pretend it is short for mittens, so his name is Mittens Romney (it’s not really, but I wish it was).
Beyonce gave birth to a baby daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, on Saturday. She’s less than a week old and already cooler than anyone in the world. What is that name?! It’s so cool and lovely at the same time. I feel like they must have hired a professional to pick it for them. Now that I think about it, her parents ARE professionally cool… mystery solved.
BEST NEWS OF MY LIFE! Rob Marshall has been brought on to direct a film adaptation of ‘Into the Woods’, the classic Stephen Sodheim musical about the real stories behind some of the most famous fairytale characters. It’s as if the universe has answered my secret wish! Stace said it’s ok to wish about other things that aren’t Broadway musical related. I just can’t think of any. FACT!
FACTS AND FICTION WITH MOLLY AUSTIN
OUR IN-HOUSE FUNNY LADY EXTRAORDINAIRE
The name of Lily Allen’s baby has been revealed. The sweet baby angel is named Ethel Mary. That was my first choice as well. I named my imaginary baby after Ethel Merman, I wonder if she named her real baby after the her as well.
A man recently sued Pepsi claiming he found a dead mouse in his can of Mountain Dew. Pepsi called the man’s bluff. Why? “The mouse would have dissolved in the soda had it been in the can from the time of its bottling until the day the plaintiff drank it.” Hey everyone, maybe 2012 is the year we don’t drink things that can rot flesh. PHEW! Hugh Jackman signed up to star in Aaron Sorkin’s “Houdini” on Broadway. The relief comes from the fact that I missed him in his last show and was worried I would live a life of regret should I not see that man take the stage. We all have different priorities in life. That dancing man is one of mine. I love Broadway shows! “The Killers” have been on a break for four years now and they are back in action! They have been in the studio getting ready to hit the charts. I feel the same way about that as I do about those Lethal Weapon movies. The more the better - and if Chris Rock makes a cameo then we’ve got solid gold baby. Stace loves those movies too, but wonders who will represent Chris Rock on the new album. FACT!
FACTS AND FICTION WITH MOLLY AUSTIN
OUR IN-HOUSE FUNNY LADY EXTRAORDINAIRE
Bambi, Forrest Gump and Hannibal Lecter all have at least one thing in common: their cinematic adventures were chosen by the Library of Congress to be preserved in the world’s largest archive of film, TV and sound recordings. I still don’t understand where A League Of Their Own falls into this master plan. If we are preserving, then let us not forget to preserve our nation’s most precious gems and complex characters of cinema, including Jimmy Dugan. I think that’s in the Constitution somewhere.
Lady Gaga will be ringing in the New Year with Mayor Michael Bloomberg. She has been selected as his special guest during the countdown to 2012. The singer will push the button that drops the Times Square Ball. I’ve never wanted to be in Times Square for New Year’s Eve before. Lady Gaga is one wonderful thing but her fans are on another level of wonderfulness. Which Lady Gaga song do you think she will be humming to herself when she presses the button? My guess is Paparazzi.
In sports news, the Giants are going to be kicking off the new year with a game against the Cowboys - a home game for the Giants, scheduled on the 1st. That’s all the news I have. Those men are so handsome it’s hard to read anything on those websites without saying, “Oh, I like him. Oh, and he’s nice too…”
Bill Clinton gave veganism a boost this year when he said that he has gone from a meat lover to a vegan, the strictest form of a vegetarian diet. I have decided to go into 2012 as a vegetarian and THEN spend the last three months of 2012 as a vegan, which is going to be hard considering how much I love a good steak. Stace is stoked because she’s a vegetarian and we can share more during dinner. FACT.
FACTS AND FICTION WITH MOLLY AUSTIN
OUR IN-HOUSE FUNNY LADY EXTRAORDINAIRE
American Adult’s Favorite Basic Cable Show in 2011 was, Jersey Shore. Now that the polls are in can we all stop pretending to hate this show and just admit that if Snooki was your friend in real life you would just poke her little belly and squeeze her like a puppy? Can we all just do that?
After seven years the U.S. has officially ended its mission in Iraq. I bet when Obama thinks of this and the end of Gaddafi and Bin Laden he just gets in front of a mirror and does karate moves. I betcha that’s what he does.
The iconic brownstone from Breakfast at Tiffany’s is for sale! I told Stace and asked her if we should all move in together and then just always pretend to be different Audry Hepburn characters. Stace said that would only be fun for a day and beyond that may be deemed as mental instability. It’s a fine line. FACT.
FACTS AND FICTION WITH MOLLY AUSTIN
OUR IN-HOUSE FUNNY LADY EXTRAORDINAIRE
The Red Hot Chili Peppers and The Beastie Boys have been crowned as the latest two inductees in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. Agree. All those guys are awesome. How hilarious do their old promo and album pictures look to them now do you think?
NASA announced Monday that a possible Earth twin has been confirmed orbiting a sun-like star 600 light-years away, and that the new planet may be in just the right spot for supporting life. See how they didn’t say it was supporting life? I think they know Earthlings wouldn’t be able to handle hard facts leaning towards aliens, but I’m reading between the lines. I always knew there were aliens. They are calling the planet Kepler-22b. Meh. Not crazy about the name. I think they could have come up with something a little zestier. Kind of sounds like a vitamin.
Michael Bay is in the final negotiations to return as director of the newest Transformers movie. I’ve never seen these movies. They seem very noisy and robots are too scary for me. But what I do have to say is that every time I see a picture of Michael Bay, I think he’s The Fonz. They look like twins to me.
Sinead O’Connor has said she will marry her fourth husband in a “drive-thru wedding” in Las Vegas on her 45th birthday. Sinead said: “Myself and Barry decided to get married in Las Vegas because we wanted a proper rock ‘n’ roll wedding.” The mother-of-four revealed she met Barry after he replied to her online ad for a man. Stace first wanted to know if I made any of that up. I told her no to which she replied, “Well…that is pretty rock’n’roll.” FACT.
FACTS AND FICTION WITH MOLLY AUSTIN OUR IN-HOUSE FUNNY LADY EXTRAORDINAIRE The Vatican released a statement calling Yoga satanic. The direct quote from chief exorcist Gabriele Amorth was, “Practising yoga is Satanic, it leads to evil just like reading Harry Potter.” If by satanic he means happy then yeah, those are two things that make a lot of people really happy. I have to believe that there is some kind of crazy language barrier happening here because religious leaders have way bigger fish to fry. Oppression, starvation, poverty, orphaned puppies and kittens, splinters in the fingers of children…the list of more pressing issues can go on and on. A fire alarm went off when Brian Williams was giving his news report and he didn’t flinch. He kept on going with his report like a professional. He is a real man. Mira, mira, mira, swoon, swoon, eyelash bat…full faint. Recently Jersey Boys became the 22nd longest running show in Broadway History. I love that show, like really love it. I’ve seen it four times. I cry and laugh every time. It is however a little strange to get an award for coming in 22nd place though. Like when I was on the field hockey team and I got the Iron Horse award, which just meant, “way to not quit.” There are rumors of B.Spears extending her trip to Mexico to give her fans a FREE concert in Mexico City! What?! I LOVE MEXICO AND BRITNEY SPEARS! I didn’t even know to put the two together until now. My head is exploding. Stace got me some maracas to celebrate this glorious fusion! FACT!
